Music Interruption for Your Pleasure

I really wanted to share some great music and lyrics with ALL of my readers (this is me making fun of myself). I am a big fan of CocoRosie. One of my favorites is the song By Your Side. I was listening to this most of today and I figured, "What the hell, I'll put the lyrics on my blog." I am big about creative expression, so no matter what the message is or what it is trying to do, I almost always enjoy the act. I honestly envy all of the people who put their all into their art and let the whole world view. It is like taking off your clothes in a room full of strangers. There is nothing to hide anymore. This is who you are and there is nothing left for you to do but love yourself. The viewer is by him/herself to decide if they like you. Well, CocoRosie, I like you.

Song: By Your Side
Album: La Maison de Mon Rêve


I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I just wanted to be your housewife
All i wanted was to be your housewife
I'll iron your clothes
I'll shine your shoes
I'll make your bed
And cook your food
I'll never cheat
I'll be the best girl you'll ever meet
And for a diamond ring
I'll do these kinds of things
I'll scrub your floor
Never be a bore
I'll tuck you in
I do not snore
I'd wear your black eyes
Bake you apple pies
I wont ask why
And i trys not to crys
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
And its nearly midnight
And all i want with my life
Is to be a housewife
Is to be a housewife
'Cause it's nearly midnight
And all i want with my life
Is to die a housewife
Is to die a housewife

Just a Thought

Just a thought....it is crazy to think that people have prayed to God or Jesus, or whoever else, for something awful. They thought it was right and good...and godly. Well, this happens day to day and always has. There is no way for me to tell, at this time, how God filters out these prayers and His way of answering them. So, with that said I figured that I would try to play God briefly and attempt to break down prayers that I am assuming have been expressed by people.

(BTW: I do not like the thought of God answering prayers. I like to think we are given everything we need and it is up to us to work things out. The whole action of praying seems fine to me, I just don't like how people put so much pressure on God answering their prayers. Because if they look closely He already has.)

Looking at all of the tragedies that have happened and are happening in this world, I can only assume God is all about balance. I figure He tries to balance everything from past, present and the future. Human beings need balance in order to carry on and understand love. One needs pain in order to feel joy. Maybe that is why child birth is so painful. Many people feel that they are never heard by God and that their prayers are overlooked. Maybe people are not looking close enough at all of the blessings that have been given to them. There are so many prayers, most likely more meaningful, that we can go without because we have been blessed already. I am blessed because God blessed me with two functional legs. So therefore I, and my loved ones, don't have to pray for my legs to work one day or for me to be able to walk one day. So, If I am God I would look at all the blessing I have given the person already and use that in my equation. I would also look at the people around that person, because I know my actions will effect them as well. Just seeing somebody have their prayer answered can effect another person's faith or mood. But when I think of it that way, it feels as if it is all a puzzle, and I don't wont to think of God as some guy playing a game. Well, I'll leave that up for debate with myself later. The most important thing would have to be the good that is in the person's heart, or the people around him or her. That brings me to people who pray for awful things. Instead of making up random prayers, I want to use some that I feel have been thought of in the past. Somebody prayed that all of the Jews would be done away with. How did God balance that? How would I, if I were God, deal with that? I'm not going to attempt to touch that because I feel it is too heavy and only God could handle that. I just want to put it out there for thought. Somebody has prayed that they would become rich with only the intentions of buying cars, mansions, boats, clothes and other materialist items...And even with the intention of gaining power over people. This is also hard because I know (feel) that some of those people became wealthy and thanked God for it. It would be hard to answer something like that. For sake of balance, at times I would have to. I guess I would also be a God with hope that people with bad intentions will eventually see their wrongs and change. If God does answer prayers, I like to think He answers the bad ones with hope in his heart. That is the only thing that seems to make sense to me. Because it doesn't sit well with me that God would answer a prayer about killing someone(s), or somebody's need for a drug, or somebody's prayer that others will view their religion or ideals the same way as he or she does.

It all seems so technical when I think of it that way. Too much pressure for somebody like me, or any of us, to bear. I guess that is why I like to think that God doesn't pay too much attention to prayers. He lets us play out our lives with what we are given, which is a whole lot, and hopes we make the right decisions. And if we don't, somebody else who sees us will recognize where we went wrong. The action of praying then will be seen as an act of faith, which is nice, but not necessary. Because there are many other ways to show that you believe. Ways that are less confusing and leave no room for doubt.

Serenada Schizophrana

My feet dangle from the side of my bed...The blood from my arms slowly ooze to my shoulders...My hands start to tingle...I can feel and hear the hairs from my chin crinkle against the bed sheet as my eyes strain upward to view my computer screen (my eyes have eyes...just a thought)...Strings echo in my head as I listen to II Blue Strings...a perfect soundtrack to the emotional wreck taking place in my head...Wanting to be heard and stretch myself out just like these strings do...with the idea that, just as those same strings connect to form perfection, somebody will stretch out to me...When I listen to the music I can hear and feel the beauty in every note...My emotions are like children at play...as it gets more intense, the more scattered and disoriented everything is...each one needing attention more than the other...as the sounds slow and focus comes into place, a peaceful sadness takes over...still wanting attention...but is content with being alone...parallel to everything that is going on in my life, I make myself identify with the music...

Today I felt, and feel, that no one is there for me the way I am there for them. I never really distance myself from others. I read into people, possibly more than I should. I see the signs and I abide by them. I see the distance in their eyes. I see boredom. I see what they really want. I see that I am unwanted. I know that I have a strong understanding on what's important and what is not. And honestly I think that drives people away from me. I set my focus on only a few people who I felt would reciprocate, without a doubt, the love I constantly share. As you can see, that has only led me here: Serenade Schizophrana. It is a nauseating feeling when you need to express your emotions to somebody who you feel should care, but only to find yourself scrolling through your phonebook disappointed. Calling "the few" and getting no answer. Only a voicemail that will never be heard...so why bother. This would be an easier process to get through if it wasn't for remembering all of the times I sat and listened to each person's problems...held their hands, patted their backs, opened my arms and hugged them and even made them smile. So why is it when I need someone, I am alone with my Schizophrana. Most people would look at this and automatically assume it is me. A fair assumption, but believe me I have gone with that approach for years and I think I have proven that to be wrong. Since I do believe God is everywhere, I like to think I am being listened to when I listen to Serenade or Blue Notebooks or Kind of Blue. I just wish I had a person to listen and feel as closely and detailed like my favorite music has shown to do over the years.

It Was Another Perfect Morning...

Every morning we wake up feeling like we are the center of this world's map. Wherever we are is where everything begins. Everything else only matters if it is close to where we stand. So it makes sense in a way for people to feel so little for others who are far away. Just think that on the other side of this beautiful planet, there is someone who is waking up and thinking about all of the stress, worries, and obstacles that he or she may have to go through that day. You will never be one of these things. You are not important because you do not exist to that person. But the odd thing about all of this is that even though we are so far away, and may never know that one another even exist, everything that we do effects the other persons future. Our whole existence revolves around chain reactions. Everything works this way. As crazy as it may sound, the littlest thing I may do today may cause a giant effect on somebody thousands of miles away in the future. Obviously we know that other people exist all of the world, but we will never know every individual and all the wonderful things that he or she may have to offer. Because of this we have a hard time caring for everyone. It seems impossible to love someone that you don't even know. You have no name or face to work from. You only have your assumptions and text books to base your ideas. You may be just like that person, but as far as you know (and care), you are completely different. You have too many people near you that you feel you need to focus on. You can see them and feel them. You can analyze them and analyze yourself at the same time. They truly exist because they are near your center of the world. This is all that matters to you. I think about all the people that look at tragedies in other countries and think about how sad they would be if that happened in their part of the world. Most people feel distraught for a brief second while watching their favorite news broadcast or reading their daily paper, but quickly come back to themselves and focus on what they know. Because most people feel what they know is what is most important. What if everyone expanded their center, if you will, and opened their hearts and minds up to more of the world? The family whose house burned down on the other side of the country may no longer be so unimportant to you. You may look at them as part of your own family and send them clothes and food; just as you would if it was your own family. I know it is hard to grasp the concept of excepting every individual in this world as your family, but if you open up your heart more and more eventually you will come close. I choose to open my heart and try. I know that I play an important role in everybody's life, whether they know it or not. And everybody plays an important role in mine. What I do today will effect you tomorrow. So I choose to love.

As We Move On

Laugh hard it's a long way to the...

It is a strange feeling knowing that one day we will all be gone. Not really lost but definitely forgotten. Even the ones that we think we remember through history, novels, paintings, etc. are nothing but names. The truths about their lives are only tall tales that have been misshapen and altered to fulfill the egos of philosophers/historians of that current time. We no long remember and therefore we do not know who that person really was. As I wait for my train I look around at all of the busy faces walking back and forth, talking on cell phones, laughing with their peers, going about their daily activities, and I think about that fact. I picture a scene in a movie where the main characters are interacting with each other while the narrator is talking about how each person's life turned out. As each person has his or her future told they slowly disappear. It is sad and at the same time fascinating. As crazy and depressing this world can be, I do not want to leave or grow old and tired. I want to keep watching and guessing. Someday after I have left this earth, there will be some curious, confused young male similar to myself thinking about the same thing. He will look at all the faces and wow himself at the thought that we are only temporary. Of course most people can ease their minds of this because they have "faith" or something like that. They believe to the point that they feel they know the outcome after they pass. I guess it makes life easier for some. Others strongly believe that we are all one. I personally like this theory the most. We, our souls, spirits, whatever, will continue to live on as long as the human race continues to live on. And obviously one has to believe in souls and spirits to accept this as fact. I wonder what life would be like without beliefs. I have to think about that some more. But for now I am here. I am breathing. I am taking up a small bit of space on this harsh yet beautiful earth. My day is now coming to an end for now I am almost home where I will take off my shoes, eat a small meal, brush my teeth, wash my face, and go to sleep. I feel that I know that I will be back here tomorrow. I feel as if there is no doubt about that. I will breathe tomorrow. I will answer unanswered questions. So what does that mean? Does it mean I secretly, without knowing, have "faith" or does it just simply mean I am young and dumb?


...funny thing about this blog is that I posted it the day after I wrote it...

Man on the Moon?

...here it is...

Man on the Moon?

Constantly questioning…I think too much and I think too little….so where does that leave me?...i feel that I have a good sense of what makes a person “good” and what a “good” society consist of…most of this, and all of this, revolves around love…I honestly feel people want to spread love and be/feel loved…so why do we feel the need to hate so much?...where does this come from?...who is pressing this into our skulls to the point where a person is an outcast and he or she would kill another human being?...maybe we have an obscure sense of what the word love means…shouldn’t love, true love, mean the most when it comes to your fellow man or woman?...why have we come to love separation, material objects, and hatred/evil?...of course no one in his or her right mind will acknowledge the fact that they have a deep love for these things, but their actions are what really matters…so what do we need?...who decides such a important thing?...the government?...big business?...science?...media?...are all of those people more intelligent than you and I? I certainly think not….so why do we place such a large task on their shoulders and why do we accept everything they teach/tell us?...are we scared?...i can answer that one…..yes!....we are scared of being an outcast, being wrong, and being imprisoned….so how can this end and how can we, human beings, get together and control what is right?

...now I don’t know if a man actually walked on the moon or not, but the possibility that it never happened is becoming more and more plausible …now think to yourself, why would someone lie about something like that?...what gain could someone, or group, get from this?...and that is what is scary to me…statistics (which are usually 95% wrong) show that 89% percent of the public (you and I….”the little people”) believe that man actually walked on the moon…so what does that say?...I’m pretty sure 89% of the population are not fully educated in physics and space exploration…so because of that reason do we just accept it?...i know that most people would say that they do not care, but that is the same mind set that is allowing the hatred and lies to continue…we are capable of making this world better…that much I know for sure…the main thing it takes is a realization of the masses that we are all equal (money, race, etc. are just making things worse) and all we really need are the basic things in life….food, shelter, and love (true love)…


...to be continued

Path of Destruction

i don't really remember when i wrote this...but i found it today when i was going through old papers...i find it to be better if i never throw away my writings...no matter how horrid they may seem at the time...when i go back and look at them i often get inspired to write something else...hopefully better than before...anyway i am sitting at work early sunday morning...this is almost cheating because there was nothing to trigger this thought...i am simply rewriting something that i previous wrote...only if i knew what was going on around me at the time that i wrote it...i still enjoy the idea, i just only wish that i could provide a narrative for the process of thinking, or the state of mind i was in while conducting the passage...

Path of Destruction

If everyone went down the road less traveled, what will become of that path? A civilized dimension of which was once uncertain. Turning/transforming an outlier into the leader of the pack. But what if the pack was headed in the wrong direction? What if that which is considered civilized, is Darkness holding our inevitable end? Who will survive? The birds with a one-track mind? The man with no shoes, who holds his family and traditions close to his heart? He who takes only what he needs, and always gives back more? He who believes in his heart?

Remember Me

i am writing this one now with you in mind...i do not want to offend you...i love you and appreciate that you care...or at least act like you do...but this thought is for me and me only...i am posting it because i am selfish and i care about you too much...there is no visual for you on this one for there is nothing for you to learn...

Remember Me

So I fucked up yet again.  I fell into my own trap.  Fully aware of what I was doing and what the outcome was going to be might I add.  It makes me wonder if this is how my whole life is going to be.  I will continue to set myself up for failure until the day I put my hand on my heart, fall to my knees and look up to the heavens (going with the tradition of heaven being up in the clouds of the sky).  But then again...this world is too twisted and unpredictable for me to have this inevitable roller-coaster of events that lead to me being lonely and disappointed every time.  There has to be a point where I stop listening to myself and just let me be happy.  Because that is what it is all about right?  Yourself...well, myself.  I do everything for me.  I'll help you...for me.  I'll share with you...for me.  I'll love you...for me.  And I'll even die for you...for me.  It's quite twisted I know.  Because the worst thing to me in this world is to be forgotten.  I don't care if you only remember the bad things.  As long as you remember.  So here I am.  Searching to be remembered before I die.  What must I do?  People often say that it is my fault that I am the way I am.  I agree, but only to an extent.  Because I didn't ask to be born.  I didn't ask for my father to leave me when I was a child (*rarely do i think about the fact that he left my mother as well...now how selfish is that).  I never asked for my best friend to be shot in broad daylight or my other good friend to drive drunk.  I didn't ask for this government.  I didn't ask for this shitty society.  So, with all that said, it can not all be my fault now can it.

and i am finished with this thought...but i have to add this because it popped up in my mind when i finished typing...Manhatten, my sister, I love you so much and I will do anything for you no matter what...in your case it wouldn't matter to me to be remembered or not...as long as you are happy

Relationships

i am on the metro again...this time i am headed to work...before i boarded the train i notice a female who seemed interested in the people around her...she sparked small conversation with the gentleman next to her...while on the train i glanced at her when she wasn't paying attention...i didn't want to scare her...even there in her seat all alone she seemed to be connected to the people around her...they may not of been connected or felt connected to her...but she was in-tune with her environment...i felt if i wanted to sit next to her and start chatting she wouldn't mind it one bit...i am not used to seeing people like that in the city...everyone is to themselves or their gadgets or newspapers...most people seem to be annoyed with other people's presence...i always watch people and their actions and interactions with others...i often wish more strangers could be like the woman i saw today...and to think i was, i am, so used to people being to themselves and distant that i passed up the opportunity to speak to that woman...

Relationships

What if people recorded their personal feelings and thoughts while they record history?  I believe it would provide for a more accurate description of that particular event.  Time causes change, therefore the state of the world is never the same.  But, people feel and love about the same.  If someone expressed their exact emotion and the vibe of others around them then those who look back on that time in history would be able to understand better.  We, humans, base our ways of behaving all on how much we can relate.  (relate +tionships)  We are more willing to learn or let someone teach us if we can relate.  The people we fall in love with or even become friends with all start with a spark of interest due to finding similarities.  The funny thing about that is people often say "opposites attract," but we only mean "opposites" in the things that are typically visual or obvious.  Usually the little things that started it all are not opposites.  

*"most of us" indicates my suspicion of humans tampering with human life

continuation of thought later the same day...i have worked a five hour shift and then lifted weights for about two hours...now i am headed home on the metro...there is another person who peeks my interest...but again i am too nervous to approach...

Every person bleeds.  Every person breathes, if they want to stay alive that is.  We, most of us, come from our mothers.  We, most of us, eat and drink to stay alive.  The normal structure consist of one brain, two arms, two legs, fingers and toes, two eyes, two ears, a nose, a mouth, skin, fingernails, hair, and a pair of feet.  Not all of us are blessed with these basic features, but all in all we are the same.  So why do we feel so distant from one another?  Why am I nervous to engage a conversation with you?  Why do I look at your exterior and assume we are not a fit.

i am now leaving the train..never to see the person again..did i miss my chance?

help, friendship, outlook

The Questions

sitting on the metro on my way home from work...i always sit alone and next to a window so i can see the river as the train travels over it...i also am conscious about people peeking at my writing...there are only a few people on the train because it is late...i am listening to my iPod to some smooth electronic jazz from Japan...

The Questions

I just came to this realization (not really because this was written in the past, but if you go back to the past with me you will be caught up to the present of this realization:)  Many times I asks questions that I know I can not answer; nor can anyone around answer either.  I used to think it was pointless to even say them out loud or to even think them in the first place.  But (I use "But" and "And" freely at the beginning of sentences now because of the movie Finding Forrester...movies control my life) I have come to find the answers to many of my questions on my own.  So therefore, if I never would of thought to ask those questions, would I have ever found the answers?  Yes I would have come across the answers but I would probably been unaware, or oblivious for a better term, to the fact that the answer was in my face.  So you definitely need a question before you can receive an answer.  Now with that in my head, I feel better about asking myself questions.  No matter how impossible they may seem from the point of time I am asking them.  Maybe everyone should start asking more questions.  We are a lot smarter than we think.  We just need to believe in ourselves and trust that we can find the answers.  I guess it is all about patience and believing.