Remember Me

i am writing this one now with you in mind...i do not want to offend you...i love you and appreciate that you care...or at least act like you do...but this thought is for me and me only...i am posting it because i am selfish and i care about you too much...there is no visual for you on this one for there is nothing for you to learn...

Remember Me

So I fucked up yet again.  I fell into my own trap.  Fully aware of what I was doing and what the outcome was going to be might I add.  It makes me wonder if this is how my whole life is going to be.  I will continue to set myself up for failure until the day I put my hand on my heart, fall to my knees and look up to the heavens (going with the tradition of heaven being up in the clouds of the sky).  But then again...this world is too twisted and unpredictable for me to have this inevitable roller-coaster of events that lead to me being lonely and disappointed every time.  There has to be a point where I stop listening to myself and just let me be happy.  Because that is what it is all about right?  Yourself...well, myself.  I do everything for me.  I'll help you...for me.  I'll share with you...for me.  I'll love you...for me.  And I'll even die for you...for me.  It's quite twisted I know.  Because the worst thing to me in this world is to be forgotten.  I don't care if you only remember the bad things.  As long as you remember.  So here I am.  Searching to be remembered before I die.  What must I do?  People often say that it is my fault that I am the way I am.  I agree, but only to an extent.  Because I didn't ask to be born.  I didn't ask for my father to leave me when I was a child (*rarely do i think about the fact that he left my mother as well...now how selfish is that).  I never asked for my best friend to be shot in broad daylight or my other good friend to drive drunk.  I didn't ask for this government.  I didn't ask for this shitty society.  So, with all that said, it can not all be my fault now can it.

and i am finished with this thought...but i have to add this because it popped up in my mind when i finished typing...Manhatten, my sister, I love you so much and I will do anything for you no matter what...in your case it wouldn't matter to me to be remembered or not...as long as you are happy

Relationships

i am on the metro again...this time i am headed to work...before i boarded the train i notice a female who seemed interested in the people around her...she sparked small conversation with the gentleman next to her...while on the train i glanced at her when she wasn't paying attention...i didn't want to scare her...even there in her seat all alone she seemed to be connected to the people around her...they may not of been connected or felt connected to her...but she was in-tune with her environment...i felt if i wanted to sit next to her and start chatting she wouldn't mind it one bit...i am not used to seeing people like that in the city...everyone is to themselves or their gadgets or newspapers...most people seem to be annoyed with other people's presence...i always watch people and their actions and interactions with others...i often wish more strangers could be like the woman i saw today...and to think i was, i am, so used to people being to themselves and distant that i passed up the opportunity to speak to that woman...

Relationships

What if people recorded their personal feelings and thoughts while they record history?  I believe it would provide for a more accurate description of that particular event.  Time causes change, therefore the state of the world is never the same.  But, people feel and love about the same.  If someone expressed their exact emotion and the vibe of others around them then those who look back on that time in history would be able to understand better.  We, humans, base our ways of behaving all on how much we can relate.  (relate +tionships)  We are more willing to learn or let someone teach us if we can relate.  The people we fall in love with or even become friends with all start with a spark of interest due to finding similarities.  The funny thing about that is people often say "opposites attract," but we only mean "opposites" in the things that are typically visual or obvious.  Usually the little things that started it all are not opposites.  

*"most of us" indicates my suspicion of humans tampering with human life

continuation of thought later the same day...i have worked a five hour shift and then lifted weights for about two hours...now i am headed home on the metro...there is another person who peeks my interest...but again i am too nervous to approach...

Every person bleeds.  Every person breathes, if they want to stay alive that is.  We, most of us, come from our mothers.  We, most of us, eat and drink to stay alive.  The normal structure consist of one brain, two arms, two legs, fingers and toes, two eyes, two ears, a nose, a mouth, skin, fingernails, hair, and a pair of feet.  Not all of us are blessed with these basic features, but all in all we are the same.  So why do we feel so distant from one another?  Why am I nervous to engage a conversation with you?  Why do I look at your exterior and assume we are not a fit.

i am now leaving the train..never to see the person again..did i miss my chance?

help, friendship, outlook

The Questions

sitting on the metro on my way home from work...i always sit alone and next to a window so i can see the river as the train travels over it...i also am conscious about people peeking at my writing...there are only a few people on the train because it is late...i am listening to my iPod to some smooth electronic jazz from Japan...

The Questions

I just came to this realization (not really because this was written in the past, but if you go back to the past with me you will be caught up to the present of this realization:)  Many times I asks questions that I know I can not answer; nor can anyone around answer either.  I used to think it was pointless to even say them out loud or to even think them in the first place.  But (I use "But" and "And" freely at the beginning of sentences now because of the movie Finding Forrester...movies control my life) I have come to find the answers to many of my questions on my own.  So therefore, if I never would of thought to ask those questions, would I have ever found the answers?  Yes I would have come across the answers but I would probably been unaware, or oblivious for a better term, to the fact that the answer was in my face.  So you definitely need a question before you can receive an answer.  Now with that in my head, I feel better about asking myself questions.  No matter how impossible they may seem from the point of time I am asking them.  Maybe everyone should start asking more questions.  We are a lot smarter than we think.  We just need to believe in ourselves and trust that we can find the answers.  I guess it is all about patience and believing.