So what is it?

Young lazy man, please tell me your plan for when you meet him. You stand so strong, but in his presence you are nothing but a little boy hiding behind the legs of your mother. Your thumb propped in your mouth with tears building in your tiny innocent eyes. When he exits, you are big and courageous. The world has never seen a man so proud and so demanding. Malcolm X leading the oppressed "second class citizens" to the doorstep of the oppressor. You are a wrecking ball of inspiration and motivation to all. But yet you crumble and evaporate into tiny matter which gives off the appearance of nothingness when his eyes meet yours. Please explain. We are waiting. Oh, I get it. Your ideas of what a man should be and what type of man you want to be has only been showcased in your head. Alone in a giant auditorium, sitting center, is yours truly. The show slightly changes as you get older. Every scene, meticulously with love, is directed by a woman. You are left with the question, "Is it possible to ever be a man when the only man you know is through the eyes of a woman?" Women want a strong and loving man that listens and takes charge when needed. A man that will never hurt them or betray them. A man that will look at life from her point of view and be understanding of her place in this world as a woman. A man that will treat her as a equal, but will always go last. But as you get older you come to find that woman do not always know what they want from a man and that it differs from woman to woman. You also realize that a woman doesn't know how a man should be around other men. So the man you think you want to be is now in question. What you know for sure is that a real man never questions if he is a man or not. He knows. So as you hear his voice through the speaker of the phone or see him from afar, you feel as if you are hearing the man that you should be and that you will never be. In your mind he does not question and he is confident, which makes you doubt everything you have learned and transforms you back into that snot nose, stuttering little boy you once were. You have no problem being a man in anybody else's presence; a man's man even. But the thought of being face to face to the one who should have directed you, the Star, in that famous motion picture makes you hate yourself and hate the world you have grown to know. The feeling of being vulnerable is only for women and children, and that slab of meat between your two legs confirms that you are not a woman. So all that is left is a confused child seeking guidance that will never come. Truth is, you have done a fine job guiding yourself, or better yet directing yourself. Just how you doubt the wisdom you have gained from women, you now doubt the wisdom you have obtained on your own. He is everything your imagination has made him out to be. He is a man because you have always pictured him as a man. That is all that you know so therefore that is all that is real. So tell me. What do you plan to do when you finally meet him? We all know you wont cry, even though deep inside you probably want to. We also know you wont doubt him the way you doubt the women that have been part of your life since the beginning. He will crush 25 years of molding in 25 minutes. But that is only if you let him. He only possesses power over you if you give him that power. I guess it all comes down to if are you willing to accept the man that you are, and be that man. Or are you willing to throw it all away for someone who threw you away.


Today I overheard my roommate, who lives in the room next to mine, speaking on the phone. She is exactly my age. I do not know anything about her and I never planned on getting to know her. As much as I tried to mind my own business I could not help myself from listening to her conversation. She apparently was speaking to her father who she has never met. She explained to him how she has been searching for him for a long time and finally tracked him down through some relatives. As much as I wanted to continue to eavesdrop on her conversation, I knew that this was too personal and I shouldn't be listening. So I turned up my music on my laptop and changed my focus completely. About fifteen minutes later I could hear her crying. She wasn't saying anything so I assume she waited till she got off of the phone to let her emotions go. She turned off her light and continued to cry. It seems so odd to me that the person living next to me is going through an identical situation. But as identical it all may seem, I can not identify with her emotions. I wanted to go to her room and talk to her and try to understand why she was crying. Maybe it was joy. Maybe all of the frustration and stress built up from trying to track down her father was finally released. Maybe she sees it as taking a major step in her life towards fulfillment. But then again it could be disappointment. Maybe he did not sound as excited as she thought he would sound. Maybe he told her not to contact him anymore. Maybe he denied that he was her real father. Maybe her life was extremely difficult growing up because he was never around and she has mix feelings of anger and sadness. I would never know. All I know is that I can't imagine myself crying or being emotional for any of those reasons or any reason I may have not mentioned. So I wrote this piece (above) to try to drive some emotion out of myself. All I got out of it was an intriguing blog. I guess I will never know what it really is till I meet my father.