Serenada Schizophrana

My feet dangle from the side of my bed...The blood from my arms slowly ooze to my shoulders...My hands start to tingle...I can feel and hear the hairs from my chin crinkle against the bed sheet as my eyes strain upward to view my computer screen (my eyes have eyes...just a thought)...Strings echo in my head as I listen to II Blue Strings...a perfect soundtrack to the emotional wreck taking place in my head...Wanting to be heard and stretch myself out just like these strings do...with the idea that, just as those same strings connect to form perfection, somebody will stretch out to me...When I listen to the music I can hear and feel the beauty in every note...My emotions are like children at play...as it gets more intense, the more scattered and disoriented everything is...each one needing attention more than the other...as the sounds slow and focus comes into place, a peaceful sadness takes over...still wanting attention...but is content with being alone...parallel to everything that is going on in my life, I make myself identify with the music...

Today I felt, and feel, that no one is there for me the way I am there for them. I never really distance myself from others. I read into people, possibly more than I should. I see the signs and I abide by them. I see the distance in their eyes. I see boredom. I see what they really want. I see that I am unwanted. I know that I have a strong understanding on what's important and what is not. And honestly I think that drives people away from me. I set my focus on only a few people who I felt would reciprocate, without a doubt, the love I constantly share. As you can see, that has only led me here: Serenade Schizophrana. It is a nauseating feeling when you need to express your emotions to somebody who you feel should care, but only to find yourself scrolling through your phonebook disappointed. Calling "the few" and getting no answer. Only a voicemail that will never be heard...so why bother. This would be an easier process to get through if it wasn't for remembering all of the times I sat and listened to each person's problems...held their hands, patted their backs, opened my arms and hugged them and even made them smile. So why is it when I need someone, I am alone with my Schizophrana. Most people would look at this and automatically assume it is me. A fair assumption, but believe me I have gone with that approach for years and I think I have proven that to be wrong. Since I do believe God is everywhere, I like to think I am being listened to when I listen to Serenade or Blue Notebooks or Kind of Blue. I just wish I had a person to listen and feel as closely and detailed like my favorite music has shown to do over the years.